Purple rose
by Mari301
Summary: sequel of "nameless" It has been two years since Shikamaru left, He comes back to find a notebook with a purple rose in the cover to tell him all that happen when he was gone...
1. Chapter 1

Shikamaru knocked the door of Chouji's apartment. It had been two years since the last time that he was here , and he felt a little… ashamed ,we could say ,because in this two years since his departure, he didn't make any effort to stay in touch with his bestfriend.

"Coming" he heard Chouji voice from inside.

The door opened to reveal a shocked Chouji, but his face quickly change to a serious one.

"So you know?" Chouji asked letting Shikamaru enter to his apartment.

"yes" Shikamaru whispered " Naruto told me when I arrived, like an hour ago"

Chouji nodded his head and said "You can sit on the couch, I will go and get it"

He went towards the hall , disappearing himself in the darkness of the apartment.

Shikamaru sat on the couch and gave a long sigh. He looked at the picture that was resting in Chouji`s coffee table. It was an old picture of team ten. Asuma , Ino ,Chouji and him were in front of the academy. Theirs smiles were from ear to ear. He gave another sigh, He would do anything to go back to those times, when Chouji was still his best friend, when Asuma was still alive, When Ino….

"Here is it " Chouji said interrupting his thoughts.

In his hand there was a big notebook, It was decorate with ribbons and all that kind of stuff. Shikamaru could tell that it was of Ino. It had a purple rose in the cover, it mix Ino favorite flower and colour.

" Come to the room in the end of the hall when you finish , I will be waiting" Chouji said giving him the notebook and once again, disappearing in the apartment

Shikamaru looked at the notebook. It was heavy and its pages were cut and old. With a sigh, he opened it and started reading

_August 29 _

_Chouji told me to do this. He said that if I don't tell him what was wrong with me that at least I should write it. He keeps telling me that I will get sick for not expressing my emotions._

_So where I begin… umm it kinda hard really… to many BAD things happen in such short time that I feel like I'm in the middle of a river fighting against the current._

_Well , the first thing is that Shikamaru left…I miss him … a lot … I cant stop thinking about him and it breaks my heart every time that I do … I cant forget the beautiful times that we shared. Everywhere I go, there is something that makes me remember him. I cant look to the freaking sky because I enter in depression. I'm a mess._

_The second think is that my dad is missing in action. They haven't found a single clue that may say were the fuck is him. I'm mad with him even though he doesn't deserve it. He leaves me alone when I need him the most for some stupid mission! ARGH! I'm wondering if he go to the hokage to ask for a mission just to be away from me ( he has done that before)_

_And the third and the life changing one happened today in the mourning. I haven't been feeling very well this month, I have a lot of nausea and headaches. So, I went to the doctor for a check up and some medicine but they make me wait in the fucking waiting room ( Please! I work in that hospital all my time! Why they didn't let me wait in the doctors lounge ? it is prettier and has air conditioner). When they finally called me, they run a couple of test and they told me to wait 15 min._

_And there I was, sitting in the checkup table, swigging my legs back and forth when the doctor arrived with a frown in his face. _

_He looked at me and said " You are so young Ino , I don't know how you will handle this"_

_I went rigid for a moment… What the hell was wrong with me? Did I have a deadly illness and I only have a moth to live?_

_Trying to calm my thoughts,I gave a long sigh and said " I think I will handle it"_

_The doctor look at me and said…"Ino you…."_

_Aaaaaaand my world crashed…._

_I couldn't breath. I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. I saw the doctor's mouth moving, but I didn't understand what he was saying … I had only one thought in my mind and it was driving me crazy._

_I ran out of the doctor's office. Running through the streets at top of my speed. I heard people cussing at me because I push them but I couldn't care, I couldn't stop until I was home._

_When I finally reach my apartment, I locked my self in my room. I closed the window and the curtains , I lay on my bed and I started crying… how I was suppose to get through this? I am alone in this… _

_In no more than 5 minutes, I heard that someone was knocking my apartment's door. With a lot of effort, I forced myself to open the door. It was Chouji. He was worried about me because he saw me running through the streets. He entered to the room and I hid my face in the couch' cushion and started crying. I didn't want him to see me like this. He asked me what was wrong but I only cried harder. Poor Chouji, he didn't know what to do to calm me. He went outside and returned 15 minutes later with a notebook in hand. _

"_Maybe writing it down will make you feel better" He said with a comforting smile on his face._

_Now, he is waiting in the living room. Waiting for me to settle down and confess my problems to him. I will tell him but I need to write it first. _

_In this mourning, at 29 of august, Dr. Ryo gave me the news that I expecting the child of my ex-boyfriend, Nara Shikamaru…_


	2. Chapter 2

The notebook fell on the floor…

"_WHAT?" _Shikamaru thought.

Ino was pregnant with his child and nobody told him about it.

" _Why they didn't tell me!" _Shikamaru thought as he was walking down the hall to the room Chouji told him to go. But he stopped on the door's knob when he remembered.

_" Come to the room in the end of the hall when you finish , I will be waiting"_

"Damn" He cursed in his head "I have to finish the notebook"

He returned to the living room. He took the notebook and sat on the couch. Sighing again, he continue reading…

_August 30_

_Yesterday, I told Chouji that I was pregnant. And instead of the words of support that I expected to receive from my dear friend, I got:" don't worry Ino, you can get an abortion"_

_**AN ABORTION?**_

_There is no way in hell I would get a freaking abortion! I know that hours earlier I was scared and crying about i ,but this baby is a part of me and I wil not destroy it. _

_So in my moment of rage and madness, I took the nearest thing I could reach (the lamp) and I threw it to Chouji's head. It cause him a good scar but I am proud of it! He soon realized his mistake and started apologizing and giving me all his support. _

_I think that I'm already starting with the mood swigs….. God help us.. Wait scratch that.. God help Chouji! He is the one that will help me with this…_

_**Note to future:**_

_**If you want to someone to change his mind, there's nothing like a good hit in the head to do it!**_

_It is already 9:30 am, Chouji will come for me at 10 to go to the Hokage's office to tell Tsunade my situation. I just hope that it doesn't make such a big problem._

_August 31_

_When we reach the Hokage office , I was feeling like I was going to throw up. We had to wait like 30 minutes when they finally let us in._

_We entered the room and we saw Tsunade sitting in her desk, between huge piles of paper work. It seems that I'm not the only one that is suffering from Shikamaru's departure. _( this brought a small smile to Shikamaru's face)

_She looked at us with tired eyes. You could tell that she was having a hangover._

_" Ino, Chouji" She said " what brings you here?"_

_I was **SO **nervous, my voice got stuck in my throa., I couldn't breat., I swear I started to see black in my corner o my eyes before Chouji spoke._

_" Lady Tsunade" he said softly "Ino's pregnant"_

_After that, I returned to normal. I let out all the breath I didn't realize I was holding. I watched Tsunade's face waiting for some reaction, but I saw none._

_"So this is should matter to me because?" she said annoyed._

_This made Chouji very angry, but he didn't disrespect her( Now that I think of, that was a very good move in Chouji's part. If it haven't been that way, right now we would be in a nice, confy Anbu jail ceil)_

_" Lady Tsunade" He repeated, louder this time " We are sorry to bother you , but Ino is pregnant with Shikamaru's child and we didn't know what to do"_

_And there it was the reaction I waited for. Tsunade's eye winded. She looked at my face ,then at my belly ,then back to my face. She stood up and began to walk towards the window. She gave a long sigh_

_" So Ino" She said "you will have an abortion right?"_

_My eyes winded at that statement, I hugged my self protecting my belly and said **" no"**_

_The answer hit Tsunade hard. I think that was sure I was going to get an abortion._

_" Are you stupid or what?" She yelled at me, her face becoming redder " You know that this may cause a **HUGE** problems between village right?"_

_" yes" I whispered, I was holding back tears at that moment._

_She looked at me and gave a sigh._

_" Ok, I think that I have a solution for our little problem" she said giving me a smile. Geez, talk about mood swings._

_Chouji and I looked at her like she had become crazy, wondering how she found a solution so fast for this HUGE problem. I will not take an abortion, and I couldn't think in another solution…_

_" For stopping our little problem, the solution is quite simple actually" she said opening a drawer from her desk, taking out a bottle of sake._

_" We will not tell Shikamaru you are having his child, this way the Suna government will never know and we are safe… oh and not telling his parent also, they are looking for any excuse for bring him back " she said with a little smile, bringing the bottle to her lips _

_My eyes and Chouji¡s eyes winded… not telling Shikamaru that I was having his child. My child will grow up without a father…_

_"Lady Tsunade" Chouji said " Shikamaru has the right to know that Ino is having his child"_

_She took a huge gulp before answering " I know Chouji , but telling him will cause serious political problems that may led to a war and we are in no condition to fight that, please understand"_

_I understand her now. The village was having serious problems and adding a war would cause so much disaster._

_" I understand" I whispered " we will not tell Shikamaru nor his parents about this"_

_"Good" She said smiling from ear to ear "now, Ino, go to the hospital tomorrow, to check up the baby and that kind of stuff ok?"_

_I nodded and we get out of her office. We went to my apartment and started planning where he or she was going to sleep and stuff… I wasn't paying many attention really; My mind was in Shikamaru the whole time. When we were bored, we used to talk about how our kids were going to be, how our house will look like and how many we were having … and now that I'm pregnant, I cant tell him…_

_Life sucks really_


	3. Chapter 3

2 hours had passed since Shikamaru began reading Ino's diary. He was amazed all the trouble Ino had to endure through all her pregnancy. The gossips and glares from the villagers, hiding of his parents who were suspicious of the child's father (not that he blamed them), morning sickness, and so much more. All with these things made him love her even more; to know she had to deal with that because she loved her child. Their child.

He read that Ino didn't want to know the child's gender until birth. So he was reading like a book lover read his favorite book. Although he had the huge temptation of skipping pages, he didn't have the heart to do that. He wanted to know all the pains she had to go through.

When he saw that there was missing only one page to reach the most decorated part in the whole book, he felt so excited. This book was making him feel like he stayed in Konoha the whole time and was living the last moth of pregnancy with Ino.

* * *

_April 1_

_Chouji asked me if I wanted to live with him. He told me that he didn't want me to be alone when I start labor. I don't want to be alone either but his apartment is very is small. So after talking about it we came up with an awesome solution. We will buy a house together! So tomorrow we will get together to search for houses and making a budget. I am so excited!_

_April 2_

_Ok, so "buying a house together" plan has failed. The problem isn't the money or Chouji. I am the problem. After writing that last entry, I started to think about the future and I started to ask myself. What would happen when Chouji gets married? When he moves with his wife to another place, what would I do? I can't pay for a house all by myself. And if I move to another place, maybe my child won't like it and get all depressed. _

_So here is the new plan. We will look for a 3 bedroom apartment together( I don't know if they exist but well..). If we don't find one, I will look for a 2 bedroom aparment for me and the baby and Chouji will buy a sofa-bed where he will sleep until the baby is born. _

_So the search continues.._

_April 5 _

_I found the perfect place! After 2 days of searching for hours, we found the apartment of my dreams! It has two bedrooms and a little balcony that I fell in love with, a descent size bathroom (with a bathtub!) and a livingroom that connects with the kitchen. It is small but for me its perfect. So tomorrow I will start packing and if everything goes according to plan I will be in my new apartment next Friday. _

_April 16_

_I have the best friends in the whole word. I don't know what I did to deserve them as friends. Today Chouji and I went for a check up at a hospital and we were about to return home when he invited me for lunch. The pregnant me couldn't refuse and we had a wonderful lunch that remembering it makes my mouth water. And again when we were on our way home, he kept bringing things to do. I found it very strange and I yelled at him a couple of times. When we reached home, I was breathless, tired and in a very bad mood. But then, Chouji told me to go to see the nursery and I swear, I almost went into labor. Standing there , smiling like fools and full of paint were my friends Hinata, Tenten, Naruto, Kiba, Lee, Shino and Neji (the last two weren't smiling obviously.. That would be way to weird). They installed everything and decorated so beautiful that I started crying. _

_I love them and I don't know what I would do with out them._

_Now that the room is ready, all that is missing is a baby!_

_We started a betting pool. Hinata, Neji and me think that the baby will come in 4 day., Shino, Kiba , Tenten think that in more the 4 days but still in the moth of April. And Chouji,Lee and Naruto think that he/she will be born in May. I pray to god that they are wrong; I want my baby now!_

_So the countdown begins!_

* * *

With that ended the page. Finally the moment that Shikamaru was waiting for. With a gulp,he turned the page…

* * *

_April 29_

_Today was the most painful yet happiest day of my life…_

_I woke up like every morning. I went to the kitchen and saw Chouji eating his breakfast and made for myself a bowl of cereal. Chouji was about to leave to buy groceries when I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen that make me gasp._

_We both looked at each other eyes, both faces starting to panic._

" _So… It is time?" he asked _

" _Yes" I whispered.._

_And that was the moment when all the chaos began…_

_I think that Chouji was more scared that me, he started to go back and forth through the apartment looking for the baby's things until I screamed at him to take me to the hospital. They put me in the emergency wing and the most painful 10 hours of my life began..._

_Ten hours! It had to be Shikamaru's child to last that long!_(this made Shikamaru smile) _I thought that I was going to die. The pains were like cramps brought directly from hell and made by the devil himself. I wanted to scream and cry but I didn't have the strength to do it._

_But It was worth it. After all that suffering, at 6:47 pm, Tsunade( I asked if she could do it before and she said that she felt honored)_ _finally gave me my baby, my baby girl._

_SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ON THE WORLD! Pfft world? UNIVERSE! She kinda looks like a mini me but with Shikamaru's hair, eye color and I can tell that she will have his attitude. ( ten hours to come out?). Just looking at her makes me feel so happy that I can't find the words to describe it. I feel like my heart is going to explode. _

_But also looking at her reminds me of him. I miss him a lot. I want him to be sitting in the chair next to my bed, holding his daughter in his arms and looking at her with love that I know he would feel. I want him to hug me, kiss me and tell me that we can be a family. _

_I know that I have to move on, but I can't help it! But from now on, I will be a strong woman that my daughter will be proud to have for a mother._


	4. Chapter 4

_May 1 _

_I never thought that picking a name for my child would be this hard. How can you name such a perfect little thing like her? I had been reading books and magazines, searching for the perfect name but they just don't fit her. At first I was going to name her Inoka, following the Ino-Shika-Cho tradition; but then I realized that, Chouji wasn't going to have a kid soon and neither Shikamaru( I think). So why name her after a team that she wouldn't be able to have? So that started the quest for a new name. My friends also started giving me suggestion too like Akemi, Akane, Cho, Naruko (hard to guess who gave that one, no?), Nadeshiko, but none of them fit her. AHH! I'm going crazy_

_May 3 _

_Today I went to the Hokage building to register my baby's name. So since today, my little girl's name is Kanade Yamanaka. Awww! I love it! So little Kanade( or Nade for short) has been the perfect baby. She sleeps a lot; and when she cries, it is very easy to calm her. I just sit with her in my arms in the rocking chair and hum a lullaby. She looks at me with her big brown eyes and quickly falls asleep. _

_May 24_

_I look at the past entry and I feel like crying. Someone has taken my perfect baby and replaced her with a sleepless monster! She sleeps very little and eats like a pig. I'm in pain! I want to sleep! And to give her baby formula! Every time I breastfeed her my back is in pain!_

_I took her to the doctor because all the crying was making me worry. But he soothed me by explaining me that this was normal and soon she will be sleeping more. _

_Also he told me that I can't give her formula until she is 4 months… Damn._

_Oh no, she is crying again! Wish me luck! I'm going in!_

_July 20_

_She is the perfect baby again… thank God!_

_July 29_

_Nade turns 3 moths old today! I gave her a pig plushie as present and she loves it; you can tell by the way she is biting its ear right now. She is growing up to be sweetheart. Since she wakes up, she is always smiling at everything, giving little shrieks when she gets too excited. Everybody loves her and I'm thinking that she would be a little spoiled by Chouji. Every time he visit; all that Nade has to do is give a little pout and immediately he picks her up and plays with her. _

_Speaking of Chouji, I'm happy to announce that my matchmaker self has given him a girlfriend. That's right; I planned a date between him and a cute waiter at the barbecue restaurant and 3 weeks later, bam! Boyfriend and girlfriend. I just hope that Nade doesn't get mad at her godfather for paying attention to another girl other than herself. _

_Sometimes I think that I should help the poor souls in this world to find their other half, but I rather take a nap with Nade._

_August 15 _

_I left Nade in Kurenai's house for a play date. Little Asuma is now 4 years old and he seems to enjoy Nade company. Their play date usually consist in Asuma poking Nade and her trying to catch his finger. _

_I went to the market to buy groceries and I was about to leave when I saw Shikamaru's mother, Yoshino. She looked so sad and tired. I have heard from Chouji that she was taking Shikamaru's departure very hard and that she was taking antidepressants _

_I approached her and waved at her._

"_Hello Ino. Its been so long since I last saw you" She said with a smile on her face_

"_Its been a long time. How are you?" I asked _

"_Not very well as you can see" She whispered "but lets not talk about me, how is your baby? I haven't meet her yet. What's her name?"_

_We continue talking like for half an hour before we decided to continue our chat in a coffee shop nearby. As we talked, I could see the pain in her eyes and I didn't have the heart to keep the secret anymore._

"_Yoshino" I said "I have something to tell you, but you have to swear that you wont tell your son, please "_

"_Ok, I swear I wont tell Shikamaru" She answered and held my hand "What is it?"_

_Taking a big breath, I said "Shikamaru is Kanade's father"_

"_I know" She said looking at me with soft eyes_

_wait...**WHAT?**_

_Looking at my shocked expression, she continued " The only way that Kanade could have another father is that you cheated when you were in a relationship with Shikamaru. We know you since you were born. We know that you aren't capable of that."_

_I gulped "We?"_

"_Yes, Shikaku and I" She explained ". I know that we were bothering you when you were pregnant, but we wanted our son back. I was mad at you for a while but then I realized that you must had a good reason for not telling that he was the father"_

_With tears in my eyes, I explained "I was afraid of what the council would do. When I told Tsunade that I wasn't getting an abortion, she got very mad. She said that if I told Shikamaru, it would bring Konoha serious problems and that we weren't in shape to handle a war."_

"_I understand honey" She said, drying my tears with her knuckle "Does this mean that Shikaku and I can meet her?"_

_I nodded my head and told her "You can come to see her anytime you want"_

_Later that day, I was already at home, making dinner when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door to see Yoshino and Shikaku. They smiled at me and asked if they could see Nade. I let them in and lead them to the living room where she was laying in her little playpen. They looked at her and started crying, saying that she was beautiful and how much she and Shikamaru look alike. But Nade quickly make the stop crying, making them laugh with her smiles and shrieks_

_At one year of Shikamaru's departure, Nade finally meet her grandparents._

* * *

**Author note: **

**I will finish this story this summer. I promise_  
_**


	5. Chapter 5

**_September 1_**

_Today was a horrible day. Today was the first time that Nade had her vaccines. It was awful. _

_We( Nade and I ) were sitting in the doctor's office. I was starting to get worried about how she will react to the shots when the doctor and a nurse came in. I gave Nade to the nurse and they began to check her up. Then the doctor took out a syringe and I couldn't resist to close my eyes. I swear time went slow motion! I felt that I waited and eternity then…_

_The first cry came... _

_I opened my eyes to see Kanade with tears flowing out of her eyes, her arms stretching towards me, asking me to save her from the vaccines. Just remembering it makes me want to cry! I wanted to take her from the nurse's arms and run far away from the evil shots that made her cry. "This is for her own good" I repeated in my head like a mantra "She will be the healthiest baby in all Konoha."_

_Her cries became louder with the second shot. The doctor tried to calm her down but it was useless. Only when she was back in my arms her cries begin to stop. _

_The next vaccines are in 2 moths. I am dreading it already._

**_September 9_**

_Today Nade is a big girl and has officially stop breastfeeding. YAY!_

**_September 11_**

_I started my day like every other day. _

_I had breakfast, washed the dishes, gave Nade her bottle, cleaned the house, bathed Nade etc. But when I was making lunch, I remembered the time when I would sit in a stool at my old apartment, smiling as I watched Shikamaru struggling to make lunch. That memory made my heart hurt. Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore. I put the food in the fridge for later and went to the living room where Nade was playing. I stared at her marveling how much she look like her father. _

_Suddenly tears filled my eyes._

_Wiping them off, I turned my head to look to the ceiling. I told to myself "You have to be strong Ino. He has been gone for more than a year. You have to move on!"_

_Then I heard a laugh. _

_I quickly dismissed, thinking it was the television. But then I heard it again, louder this time._

"_Wait" I thought "the t.v is off" _

_I looked at Nade again and saw her lauging, trying to reach the little plushie animals that her playpen has._

_I can't explain the feeling of happiness that I felt at hearing her laugh for the first time. _

_With my depression gone, I spend the rest of the day playing and laughing with her_

* * *

_**Autor note: **_

_**I know it is a short chapter , but Im having a hard time writing this. I know nothing about babies and my English is very very rusty. Next chapter will be out sooner I hope. **_

_**Like I said before, I will finish this story this summer! (or year if I get inspiration and make it very long, I don't know) **_


	6. Chapter 6

**September 24**

I noticed that I haven't written about how my life has been. I have only written about Nade. In my defense, I can't help my self. She is so cute to the level that she can make Shino smile. (I know, when I saw it, I didn't believe it! Miracles happen)

So, since Nade was born I have been working in the flower shop full time. But I think that I will return taking small missions or working at the hospital because I'm having a hard time paying the bills. What I can say? Having a baby is expensive. Milk, clothes, diapers, toys, and more are slowly killing my savings.

But there is a small problem. Who will take care of Nade? One option is Yoshino. I'm sure that Yoshino will love taking care of her but I don't want to bother her. She has enough work with Shikaku, the deer and their business. The other option is a daycare but it will be another expense and she is too young to go to one.

**October 1**

So my problems had been solved, more less. I decided to go back taking missions. It makes more money that working at the hospital. Also Yoshino will take of Nade when I'm gone. She told me that she has been waiting for me to ask to take care of her.

It will be hard being apart from Nade. I have never been apart from her for more than an asdfds! I have to remind myself to be strong.

**October 3**

Today I went to the Hokage's office to return to active duty. Imagine my surprise when she told me that she have a genin team for me. The team's teacher died in mission and they need someone that will understand them. That were I come in.

Having a team will be awesome! I will have a constant income for them and I will not be exposed to high danger for a while. I am so excited!

**October 7**

Ok, first meetings aren't always the best.

My team consists of three boys. Their names are Ryoga, Ranmaru and Kyouhei. And they were acting like BRATS.

When I first arrived, they didn't believe that I was their new teacher. And when they finally did, they started complaining ! They started saying that OBVIOUSLY I wasn't fit enough to be their teacher. Apparently their last mentor had A LOT of muscle. He could participate in some bodybuilding contest and win.

They started shouting and I finally lost my patience. I know, that is very hard to do but they did. I challenge them to fight me with all their strength; and after kicking their asses for 3 hours, they finally shut the hell up.

I hope, for their sake, that they change their attitude or those bastards will be in trouble.

**October 14**

It seems that miracles happen. After that horrible first meeting, they started opening up to me and stopped acting like idiots. Actually, they are very nice and they act like gentlemen. They acted like bastards because they felt that they were betraying their old teacher. I told them that I understood what they were going through. Losing a teacher myself, I know how it feels when another person comes and tries to be your new teacher. We had a long talk and we haven't had a problem or fight since then.

I already introduce them to Nade and they instantly fall in love with (Not that they admit it of course, they are boys).

Talking about my little girl. Lately she has been a little fussy when I leave her with Yoshino. At first, She just looked at me and went back to sleep. But now, she starts crying and refusing of letting go of my shirt/skirt/hair making me late for meeting my team. Yoshino says that she probably misses me being around her all the time. I would gladly take her with me to the training grounds, but I'm afraid of some lost kunai or flying shuriken near her and, God forbid, some accident happen. I prefer her missing me that she getting hurt.

**October 20**

Nade is starting to babble. And it is the cutest thing ever! I know that I say that to everything she does but hearing her babble just makes my day.

Also she is starting to grab everything in arm reach and it is getting a little annoying. I think developing paranoia. I leave her alone in a room for 5 min and I start to think "Did I leave something that she can reach? What if I left my kunai bag there?" and eventually it bothers me so much that I go back to the room to check if I did, which obviously I didn't.

I think that I need a vacation :S

Author note:

Sorry for late update, Im back to school and Im writing this half asleep. If this has a lot of mistakes, please forgive me.

I will try to update sooner. I didn't finish this in vacation, but like I said, I will finish this year.

Thank you all for your reviews! It is what keeps me going


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